Settling

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
And it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all
And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?

Who do we think we are? People really do run around making a mess of near perfection to thrill their own satisfaction. I know I do that to. But who gave us that right? I despise the person that does it to me, but I revengefully do it back. I despise so many things about certain people, and I love so many things about them all the same. But it shouldn't be like that. I should love things about you so much that I don't pay attention to all that I dislike. But it's not working like that. Is that supposed to be compromising? It seems like it's just settling. We could all do so much better if we didn't just settle. Because prior to settling if you could account for unwanted differences in each other, then you would just deal with it--then and there. You wouldn't need a reason to settle. I don't ever want to have to settle. For anything. But I already have for so much. It's up to me whether I take it in my control to change things, or if I settle for what I've settled. All I know is I've been running around leaving scars and so have you. Maybe if I didn't necessitate settling, I wouldn't be revengeful. Then you or I would never really hurt people, because we wouldn't settle for their imperfections. They would just be what they are. We would hurt so much less; but I know that I would think so much more.

Updating

Have I used this verb before? Probably not because I usually try to think of verbs that will catch someone's attention, for the most part. However since updating and blogging bear somewhat synonymous meanings, I guess I am not so creative. So there's that.

And then there is this guy:

Matt Cusick.

He creates this phenomenal art. Now, I have always enjoyed art. But I must say. I've always like some oddity of art. Like the atypical art. Like Mr. Cusick's. I am being one of those girls who says "like" all the time. For this, it's appropriate. I think.

All

Made

From

Recycled

Maps.

I encourage you to take a look at his other work, that which includes this beautiful image.

So it is a collaged artwork of words. Which is so elating to me because people so often say that art is the process of expressing a thought or feeling without text. But it can be with text. The combination of the two is exhilarating, think of the art of words & the art of images. Separate, they are breathtaking. Together, exhilarating.

So the only reason I found Matthew Cusick's art is because I had googled eco-friendly transportable speakers. So then I found this awesome Green Diary blog. I am pretty much obsessed with it. So I found the speakers I had been looking for. Maybe the one thing I will ask for Christmas. Because I like to call myself a Holiday Christian. So these are the speakers.

Could they honestly be any cooler.

Cheers to this log. They can be cooler.

If anyone knows me they know that I love and genuinely enjoy being eco-friendly. I know that is "so like, this new generation and era type revolution, to pretend to be something you really aren't" but I actually genuinely care. I'm not really talking about recycling bottles, cans, paper, etc. I do that, but I'm speaking of larger scaled things. I haven't changed the world yet which is odd because I'm really great (note: sarcasm) but despite my belief in microscopic changes having a macroscopic effect, I actually believe in something more simple, what I like to call EARTH.

Entertain the idea that

All natural

Resources are

Taken for granted, but underlie the truth to

Healing mother Earth.

It's like a fake acronym. One time Sophomore year in College I came up with it during my Ecology class. This is the same class that furthered my interests in Environmental Ecology and lead me to take Natural Resource Ecology, Fish & Wildlife Ecology, and Community Ecology. All classes that I've honestly given all my attention and dedication to.

In personal news winter vacation is bringing out the lazy in me. I have plans to knit, read, and create some art. Hopefully I will get to all of that, I have no reason not to.

I'll be better at updating this, I promise, my friend. Probably the only friend who reads this. And so when I write it, I feel like I'm in conversation with her.

It's what I do.

Perpetuating

While I hate winter and unreliability of ice...images like this perpetuate my love for it.

Lying

I am never really that great at lying.

But lately, I'm finding it's easier to be lying to myself than give myself an honest truth. It's sad, because I was never like this. Winter blues, or something.

To bear the weight
and push into the sky
it's easier to lie
it's easier to lie

And honestly
to look you in the eye
it's easier to lie
it's easier to lie

To be the one
to be the only one
something has to give a lot
something has to give a lot

And who am I
to give you what you need
when I'm learning
just learning
Learning how to live and

to bear the weight...
and push into the sky
it's easier to lie
it's easier to lie

And honestly
to look you in the eye
it's easier to lie
it's easier to lie

To fill the space
the space you made for me
try to be the one you want
try to be the way you want

And maybe I
could be the one you need
if you'd only
show me
Show me how to live and

how to bear the weight
And push into the sky
it's easier to lie
easier to lie

And do what's right
when everything is wrong
it's easier to run
it's easier to

Never have
to look you in the eye
it's easier to lie
it's easier to lie

To bear the weight
and push into the sky
it's easier to lie

Debating

I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun
But something told me to run
And honey you know me it's all or none
There were sounds in my head
LIttle voices whispering
That I should go and this should end
Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white
That it was wrong or it was right
But you ain't leaving without a fight
And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you
This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you
All I know is that I should
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you
All I know is that I should
'Cos she will love you more than I could
She who dares to stand where I stood
Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

I can't make up my mind. Things are really mulling over in my head, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to not be the way that I am right now? It doesn't make any sense, I never make any sense. But I wish you could make some sense of this. Saturday nights in October, you make me think too much. Maybe November will bring me answers. Till then, I keep debating.

Wuthering

Wuthering winds making wilted leaves.

Changing

The tree's leaves are changing colour so quickly.

L'absente by Yann Tiersen

L'absente by Yann Tiersen

Taking

Oh my God. This post is long overdue considering my love for October began 13 days ago. Happy October. Happy Happy Happy October. I get really upset when I think about how there are only 18 days left. It's just this thing I do. Get excited for beautiful things to begin but depress myself knowing that they will end. Like a great concert. I always do that with concerts. So, to my surprise, there are some pretty cool trees around where I live and I decided that I am going to follow the life of this one tree for the rest of October. I literally need to remind myself by writing it on my hand or something to take a picture of said tree everyday. Except that I missed today. Literally. I'm sounding more and more like my best friend Jocelyn who uses literally when she doesn't really mean literally, literally! I thought it was a really cute idea of me to follow the path of this tree through October, into November, and into December. I just will be taking a picture of it on my phone's camera. The first time I did it, a few days ago (yes I am aware following a few days ago during the subsequent days I have not taken a picture, but I vow to start tomorrow) people were looking at me oddly. You will notice that the tree is on the side of a sidewalk path. Where I may or may not have stopped traffic to take the picture. I don't know, it's something about this tree that when I first saw it, it looked so pretty. And then today it was raining, and there were yellow and red leaves falling off it. And it made me think, I want to keep track of you. What you look like throughout October. I really hope I can stick with it. Because regardless of what we think, we change over days. Just like the tree does. Just last Thursday it was happy in blue skies, and today it was sad and quivering. So what is it tomorrow? I'll be taking pictures to find out, about the tree; and about October. Taking October in, let this season begin. Good day Autumn.

The tree.

Need to figure out the name of this tree.

It is different from my main tree.

But the red berries make me happy.

Something about the hay grass and berries:Fall.

I made this picture my background. Pure beauty.

Knitting

Earlier in 2010, I believe somewhere around late March, a knitter taught me how to knit. Since then, I have become obsessed with it. It is not so much the idea of knitting and creating a certain piece, but more the process of knitting and how much stress can be relieved, how many thoughts can be killed, and last, how many inconsistencies become consistent when you are so focused but so free in what you are doing. It sounds somewhat ridiculous, but it is really therapeutic. My mother used to knit and she learned it from my grandmother who learned it from my great grandmother. She speaks of the designs they used to knit, designs of rabbits, birds, puppies, and flowers. And she speaks of the detail that must be followed, but the satisfaction of the outcome. How my great grandmother used to knit sweaters for my grandmother, who used to knit cardigans for my mother. It all seems so evolutionarily needy, and I promise I will teach my little girl to knit. Because if anything, she will appreciate how the art is carried from generation to generation. Even if my mother didn't teach me, it's the notion that I was taught, and I now know how. It's the idea of knowledge that passes between generations that gives me the satisfaction of being a part of it.

My progress is noted. (Top to bottom, first to third respectively.)

My first knitting project. An extremely skinny scarf.

My second knitting project. A normal width,

multicolored scarf.

My third knitting project. I learned how to knit & purl. (I t

hink it was on accident.)

So with that, I was able to create textural difference in my scarf. It looks great to me.

I want to make mittens next...Something tells me that is a lot more difficult than a scarf. Knitting mittens, here I come.

Writing

I have been pointed out my best friend that I need to update my blog. I shamefully left this blog sitting here for almost exactly five months. What kind of blogger am I. (?). Today I woke up and wore Fall clothes in the assumption that it would in fact not, be 80 degrees outside. It, in fact, was. That's good, because I came home in a sweat. I have been working on this song I wrote for a few days since I had a relaxing weekend after a couple tough weeks. Posting lyrics here. I've only come up with lyrics as my piano is broken, maybe. It may just need a new adapter or batteries. Anyway, life is lonely without it.

I don't know what I want to call this song, maybe if you read it you can tell me a good song title.

It’s September

It’s raining

The sole of my brown boot

Is entertaining

It’s covered

In a mush of yellow leaves

And I’ve discovered

The meaning

Of seasons of you and I

It’s not concerning

my thoughts meandering

I’ve just now come to know why

You are Summer

I am Autumn

I am weak

You are bold

We are changing

Effortlessly

You in the light

Me in the dark

I cannot simplify this baby

But I know it will not work

We are changing

We are seasons

But we’re different

For what it’s worth

[Insert some creative piano solo, 42 seconds]

Cause in September

I want an April

In October I want a May

And in November

I’m craving August

But December, you’re in my way.

You are Summer

I am Autumn

Let’s let it be

Live like our seasons

We don’t mesh

We’re just in love

Just like that eagle and that dove.

You are summer

I am Autumn

He’s October

I’ve fallen for him.

And those leaves

That were yellow

Turned red

And into brown

I’ve got to leave this place

Autumn was all I made of this town [x4]

I really want my piano to start working so I can come up with some instrumental instead of just writing. Also I want my best friend and other half Jocelyn to play some violin for the song as well. I think it will be a hit, you know, in the Autumn, in the coffee shops.

Growing

Here's the day you hoped would never come.
Don't feed me violins just run with me through rows of speeding cars.
The papercuts, the cheating lovers, the coffee's never strong enough,
I'll always think it's more than just bad luck.
There, there baby it's just textbook stuff. It's in the ABC's of growing up.

Hi, Finals.
Hi, Summer.
Hi, Future.

I think I'm ready for you.

Celebrating

These past couple of weekends have been absolutely, indescribably phenomenal. It was my best friend's birthday the weekend of March thirteenth, and her (Sharon) being 21 (finally), we celebrated accordingly. I'm not sure why I said finally as I have a couple months till that ripe, blossoming age...but I was and am excited for her. Started off with a well-needed girls night Friday night, continuing with a get together at my place and off to the bars that following night. Some interesting things happened there, and it was my first time being out single in sometime. Which is why it was interesting. This whole single life is bittersweet; I think I like it the most when it's a girl's night and I don't care to think about men. But then when I'm around men I get the literal taste of bitterness in my mouth and feeling in my soul. But it was a really great weekend overall. We went shopping previous to Saturday night and I bought these ridiculously high heels that I wore to the bar that night with a flirty dress, and managed not to stumble or fall. Needless to say, I was proud of myself. This past week I had three exams that I did extremely well on leading me to think that being single has a strong correlation of r=.72 with increased G.P.A. The semester shall tell.

Currently, home for spring break enjoying home cooked meals, not so home cooked meals when I choose to go to Greek restaurants and eat the entire menu, and most of all, enjoying time with Mom, Dad, Brother, and Sister that I have been really missing. I have about 5 days till I go back so my relax time is over, I've unfortunately got a lot of work to do over break. That's okay, I'll feel accomplished when I do.

On the last note, I really wanted to see "Remember Me" so my sister and I saw it on Saturday. Contrary to the harsh and senescent older generation of critics who fail to understand the beauty of youth, conflict, family and love to our present day understanding, I really did enjoy the film. Maybe I'm biased to the producer's inclusion of Sigur Ros' "Andvari" in the film which almostmade me shed a tear to the beauty of the instrumental music.

So, this weekend was about celebrating family, and the last weekend about celebrating friends. I can't ask for much for than that, a good life follows.

Breathe

Help, I have done it again. I have been here many times before.

....


Warm me up and breathe me.

Crashing

This past week I was desperately wanting to go home, and today is Friday and I'm home bound. I miss my mom and dad and siblings. Living alone at school can get lonely, but I didn't really feel like I was really living alone until these past two weeks. Have been the most lonely weeks ever, but I sort of set myself up for it. And so did someone else. I thought that I was a pretty strong girl but sometimes loneliness will make you feel the weakest ever, and I was so tired of it. I think I listened to Butch Walker's "best thing that you ever had" on repeat as often as I could, and even managed to rummage some chords on the piano and sing it myself. I have been listening to Butch Walker since freshman year of high school when a girl who I don't think ever remembers me named Lisa burned me his CD because we connected over music in ironically, the other most lonely year of my life, freshman year. Seriously, the timing of all this is to die for. In any case, after listening to this song freshman year of high school which was in 2003, it being 2010 and listening at least once a week for seven years makes it worth something. The lyrics of the song are so simple and I wish I could just print them in size 72 Cambria font and poster them up in front of some peoples lives.

In other news today is possibly the most annoying day on Campus otherwise known as Unofficial, it is 9 51 am, been awake since 7 00 am and I am already annoyed. Short tempered, or just a downer? Short tempered, and trust me, I have reason. I participated in it freshman year and while it was funny, it's honestly degrading to ones intelligence and the past year and this and next year I refuse to participate and associate with any such person who does during the day. Again, short tempered.

Higher note: I get to plan my Eurotrip this weekend and potentially book tickets. All seems unreal but most desirable. I have been doing really good in my latest exams, papers, etc. This is making me feel sucessful and maybe this loneliness will get me straight A's this semester. Next weekend is my best friend's birthday and I have not been looking forward to anything as I am to this weekend in a while. I intend, without doubt, to take plenty of pictures and will post accordingly. I need to start taking pictures more because I keep forgetting the great times and dwelling on the bad. What a cynic.

This week was refreshing, reviving, but still bad.

Lowest note: Even on my worst days, I was never quite like this; In one respect or another, I've gone as far as I can go with certainty without crashing.

Senescent

I realize that this word sounds like an adjective, but according to the dictionary, it is the process of growing old. Therefore, it can be used as a verb. Today all I wanted to do was stay in bed. Im twenty going on eighty-five, I think. I like it that way sometimes.
Sincerely,
Senescent youth

Slipping

Oh hi. Before I go on to show you my findings in my search for the cutest nose jewelry out there, I would like to mention that I slipped two times in sixty minutes today due to the thin sheets of ice so desirably placed outside my apartment and in front of my class this morning. I realize that there are increasingly bigger issues occurring at this point in time, and I'm not for self-pity, but my tailbone hurts. Additionally, when the hell did university students become so self involved and careless about their surroundings? Nobody helped me up and asked if I was okay. I always at least ask if the person who fell is alright and give them a caring smile because I know that they are embarrassed. A certain someone then responded to my anguish over the matter today by asking and attempting to understand why I am still offended by what people did this morning and letting it mull in my head for the rest of the day. Normally I would say, you are right, get over it you equally self-concerned princess, Cherita. But I just kind of got a society-shock where people these days really don't care. I find that toughening to my soul as even though I don't care for many people, I still have common courtesy. One time, somebody fell off their bike and spilled their jamba juice. I asked them if they were ok, smiled, they said yes, and thank you. That person will never forget me. Kind of like I will never forget how ignorant people can be. Whatever. (it's never whatever for me).Thank the heavens upon slipping, I ran home to change into these. Honestly, life-saver.Thank you, sister.

In more happier news, I have found the following nose jewelry of extreme liking for myself.





More to come later...
I never realized how much I I love my nose piercing, about as much as I enjoy slipping on ice.

Promise

Jack and Rose

Looking back, oh beloved.

I remember things you said to me.

In the garden, before the black sun rose,

Things you said

to

me.

Things you said, oh beloved.

And the promise that you took from me.

Now I see you;

Standing next to me.

Standing next

to

me

Standing

quietly.

Looking back, oh beloved.

I remember things you said to me.

In the garden, before the black sun rose.

Standing next

to

me.

Saying

promise

me.

Saying

promise

me.

"Promise me" -Courtney Saunders

Heard this in The Ballad of Jack and Rose. Amazing film. For the educated and appreciative, though. This song has minimal lyrics but is so meaningful in its simplicity. About promises, that you give and take, but lose. They creep and haunt you until death. I promise to not make any promises anymore. Too much hope and disappointment lingering in the promises people give and I take.